Difficult Relationships

Welcome to This Daring Adventure podcast, where we work on bridging the gap between where we are and where we want to be in order to live a bigger and bolder life. In this podcast, we will provide inspiration, tips, and skills you need to make your life the adventure you want it to be. Here's your host, mindset mentor and life coach Trista Guertin.

Hey everybody, welcome to the 100th episode of This Daring Adventure. I am so excited for this episode. If you actually look at the number of episodes there are, it will be about 120. That's because there are these mini episodes and some, little spots I did about upcoming events and whatnot, but officially this is episode 100. So super fun. Thank you so much for joining me I really appreciate that. You're here. I appreciate hearing from all of you and getting the feedback that you're listening and Thank you. Thank you for being here. And if you ever have suggestions, things you want to learn, things I can add to the topic list, please let me know. I love hearing from you. And here's to a hundred more. I'm super excited. Thank you for being here. All right, so let's dive into the episode. And I think it's going to be one that is. everybody can relate to. The idea that, we have to deal with difficult people and, these tough, emotionally draining relationships with people in our lives. And you know the ones where every interaction feels like a minefield and you end up replaying the conversation in your head for days. And I wanted to share a real life story from one of my coaching clients. We'll call her Sarah, and we'll dive into what she was going through, and the practical tools we used to help her transform her situation, and, what the situation looks like now. And I'm also going to give you some concrete steps you can take today to really reclaim that power in those difficult relationships and make sure that you are not at the effect of what's happening out there and the people in your life. So let's get started. When Sarah first came to me, she was completely overwhelmed by a relationship with her partner's ex wife. they were planning to get married and she was facing this lifetime of dealing with the ex wife and basically it was so antagonistic, every conversation turned into an argument and it was difficult just to discuss anything with her partner about it, about her, and she was constantly feeling criticized and misunderstood. And it was really, consuming her, especially her thinking and her time and her energy. And perhaps you can relate, right? Maybe it's a sibling, a parent, a partner, maybe even a coworker that leaves you feeling really drained and on edge. We've all been there. Sarah's situation wasn't unique. Many of us are in relationships where we feel stuck, powerless, and unsure how to change things. And this is really where coaching comes in. Because the first thing that Sarah and I worked on was identifying where her power truly lay. And I asked her this question. What are you making her behavior mean about you? So what is what is she making the ex wife's behavior mean about her? And this is something I want you to think about right now. When someone criticizes or challenges you, it's easy to internalize it and to make it mean something about your worth or abilities. But here's the thing, their behavior says more about them than it does about you. It's about what they're thinking. It's never about you. So we started exploring a concept called emotional detachment. And this is not to be in a cold or uncaring way, but it's in a way that protects your peace and your space. And here's how you can start practicing this. First, when somebody does something or says something, you want to pause before reacting. When someone says something triggering, take a deep breath. Oftentimes you can start to feel that rise in your body. So breathe. Count to five if you need to. Go to the bathroom. Take a break. This interrupts the automatic reaction and gives you space to choose a response. Now, I know, because the response happens very quickly. It's going to be a practice. You're probably gonna have to do this several times before you really get a handle on it. But that's okay. Keep practicing. Just try and catch yourself. Like I said, there's very much a physical reaction that starts to happen. That's what I find for myself anyway. So if you can start to notice that first and then catch yourself and just be like, wait, what am I doing here? Do I want to do this? Am I going to give my power away? Take a breath, count to five. Then you want to ask yourself what's true. Instead of just absorbing their words as truth. Ask yourself. Is this really about me, or is this about their perspective? More often than not, it's the latter. Then, you want to set a mental boundary. Imagine an invisible bubble around you. Their words can't penetrate unless you allow them to. You can hear them without absorbing them. This sort of visualization is quite powerful when you think about it. That's how much power you have in your mind. Just, it cannot penetrate, you cannot absorb it. And, again, these steps will take practice, but they are incredibly effective in helping you to stay grounded and get some space. Then, Sarah also learned how to use some practical tools that I want to share with you now. The first is the neutral observer technique. When you're in a challenging interaction, you can imagine you're an outside observer watching the exchange like a movie, or say like you're at I don't know, do people still go to zoos? If you go to a zoo, you're observing the animals, just be watching and pretend you're just observing. And this helps you to detach emotionally as well. You can respond with clarity instead of reacting from a place of hurt or anger. So that's the neutral observer technique. Second, you want to define your boundaries. Now, Boundaries are about you and what you allow in your life, not about controlling other people. So you don't expect other people to observe your boundaries. You have to be the one willing to act. you set the boundary. And decide, what behaviors are you no longer willing to tolerate? And then you can communicate your boundaries calmly and clearly, right? So instead of just saying, you always criticize me, You can just say, I'd appreciate if we could focus on solutions rather than blame. And if we can't do that right now, then I will leave the room and I will come back later. When you've calmed down and when we can have a discussion, you have to be the one who is willing to act. So you decide if the other person is too emotional, too upset to have a discussion about solutions, and they're just blaming you and criticizing you. Then you stop the conversation and you leave. Next you want to reframe your thoughts. Sarah was really stuck in a loop of why does she always do this to me? But we shifted that to how can I show up as my best self? No matter what she says or does. And this one shift is incredibly powerful. Because it puts you back in the driver's seat. You're no longer at the effect of what the ex wife is doing or saying, or not doing or not saying. But the power is yours. And that's the only thing you can control. You can only control what you're thinking, what you're feeling, and how you show up. Making that shift, how can I show up as my best self no matter what? And what happened was, after a couple of months of working together, Sarah began to experience some real changes. She definitely felt a lot lighter and calmer and more in control. Now, obviously, the ex wife didn't magically change, but here's the thing. She didn't need to. Sarah was no longer reacting to her behavior, and she started showing up with confidence and clarity, and that shifted the entire dynamic. Sarah told me that she used to feel so trapped in that relationship. She was, expecting to face an entire lifetime of interactions and dread and fear and discomfort and anger and frustration with this woman. But now she feels lighter and she feels freer. She knows how to protect her peace and focus on what really matters. And now her energy can go to things that she really loves. Her hobbies, her career, her partner, the stepkids, all the relationships that lift her up and are important to her. She's not giving away all her power, all her time, all her energy to Someone who truly doesn't want it, doesn't need it. Alright? If you can imagine what would have happened if Sarah hadn't invested in herself and spent this time doing the work. She would just continue to be replaying these old arguments and feeling powerless and really letting this relationship take up valuable mental and emotional space in her mind. Without action, the patterns just continue. Everything would have just continued the same. And really that's the reality. This is why people get stuck in these relationships and don't know how to make the changes. But we never have to stay there. It's never, ever terminal. And I just wanted say that if this resonated with you, I want you to know that this kind of transformation is possible for you too. This is the work that we do in coaching. Some of the things you can do today to start shifting your perspective is journal it out. Write down the patterns that you're noticing in the relationship. What triggers you? Especially know the stories that you're telling yourself. Awareness is always the first step to change. So write it out. Second, remember to practice the pause. Tap in, get that awareness around that physical rise in your body before you react. So you want to pause before you react. Even just a few seconds can really change the tone of a conversation. And then, choose one boundary. You can decide on one small boundary that you can set immediately. And it might feel uncomfortable at first. People might not understand, they might not appreciate it, but do it to protect yourself. It's a very powerful step towards reclaiming your power. And if you're ready to take this work deeper, I would love to be your coach. We can have a conversation about what's possible for you. Book yourself in the free coaching session that I offer. It's 50 minutes one to one with me. You can bring any topic that you wish. If you want to do a deeper dive into taking your power back and dealing with some of these difficult relationships, we can do that. The link to my calendar will be in the show notes. Listen, life is too precious to spend it feeling stuck and powerless. You can feel confident and calm and in control no matter what's happening around you. And this is literally the work that we do in coaching. Thank you so much for spending time with me today. Book yourself in one of the free coaching sessions and I would love to talk to you. I can help. All right. Thank you so much for spending this time with me today. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here. Thank you for 100 episodes. And don't forget to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. And if this episode resonated and you think it might be helpful to someone else, a friend or a family member, please share it with them. So until next time, thanks for listening. And I'll talk to you soon. Bye bye.

Thank you for listening to this Daring Adventure podcast with your host Trista Guertin. We hope you enjoyed the tips and conversations on how to get excited about life again. As always, you can head to tristaguertin.com for additional resources and to book a one on one coaching session. You can also follow Trista on Instagram at tristavguertin. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple Podcasts. Thanks again for tuning in and we'll see you next time.