Handling Negative Emotions

Welcome to This Daring Adventure podcast, where we work on bridging the gap between where we are and where we want to be in order to live a bigger and bolder life. In this podcast, we will provide inspiration, tips, and skills you need to make your life the adventure you want it to be. Here's your host, mindset mentor and life coach Trista Guertin.

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of This Daring Adventure.

Thank you so much for joining me. My name is Trista Guertin and I am your host.

This is episode 78. Negative emotion is not a problem to be solved. And this is a great topic because It affects all of us, and I see this happening so clearly in myself and with my clients. And I wanted to share a little bit about how we can change our perspective in order to move ourselves forward and learn how not to avoid or fear negative emotions.

The key thing here is to understand what a negative emotion is and a negative emotion are feelings that cause discomfort or distress and we perceive them as typically unpleasant. They are a contrast to positive emotions, which we would associate from, or we would associate with pleasure and satisfaction.

The most common negative emotions would be fear, a response to perceived threats or danger that are often leading to that fight or flight response.

Anger, which is a reaction to perceived wrongs or injustices, which can motivate action or defense.

Sadness, which is a response to loss or disappointment, often leading to introspection and reflection.

Anxiety, a feeling of worry or an ease about issues, potential future events, prompting caution and preparedness. guilt and shame, which are basically feelings of responsibility or remorse for actions that conflict with your personal values.

Frustration, which is a reaction to obstacles or challenges that hold you back, maybe impede your progress or your progression. that impede your progress towards a goal. And there's jealousy and envy, which are feelings of resentment towards others, particularly for their success or for their advantages.

And how do we know we are feeling a negative emotion?

Of course, there are physical sensations, emotion is a vibration in your body. you will feel that physically. certainly with myself, I know I feel, sometimes I even feel dizzy and I feel you feel that rise in your body, that tension, or maybe an increased heart rate, maybe a sinking feeling in your stomach.

There can be cognitive aspects, which would influence your thoughts, leading to perhaps, talking negatively to yourself, beating yourself up, criticizing, worry or rumination and a lot of thought loops and then there are behavioral responses which negative emotions can drive certain behaviors such as withdrawal aggression or avoidance.

But the thing is we tend to believe that these emotions mean that something has gone wrong that we need to fix it and we need to try and get through it Or just avoid it altogether. in actual fact, they do send messages. They do serve a purpose. And overall, they're just a part of the human experience.

And I want to make sure that you understand that nothing has gone wrong. If you are experiencing any of those emotions, then it's for a reason and it is trying to tell you something and it's not a problem.

Part of what happens when we experience a negative emotion is that it is a survival mechanism.

Our brain uses fear, anger and anxiety to help keep us alive. this is part of, the function of the primitive part of our brain and it's kept us alive. It's kept us surviving for many thousands, of years, and so we could use, fear to alert us to danger.

And I mentioned the fight or flight response. It's protection. We would protect ourselves in that case. If we feel anger, a threat to our resources, ourselves, our social standing, and it might motivate us to address injustices or defend ourselves. anxiety can help us to anticipate potential threats or challenges, promoting caution and preparedness.

Now, all of these emotions were probably a lot more important back in the cave days.

Our physical safety and survival depended on our brain's reaction and its ability to protect us and keep us safe. It would use these emotions. These days, however, The threats to our physical safety are fewer, and we tend to confuse a number of issues, such as, email, traffic, the economy, social media as threats to, to us. And this is what our brain is seeing as potential threats.

But nonetheless, when you experience these emotions it's still not a problem. And it really is just a part of our evolutionary biology.

Now, there is also a social function. Negative emotions can play an important role in social interactions and community living.

Guilt and shame, for instance, would encourage us to adhere more to social norms and cooperation within groups. sadness can signal to others that we need support and we want to create social bonds and have empathy for one another.

There is also a psychological perspective and emotional regulation includes negative emotions as a part of a balanced, healthy, emotional life, helping us to regulate and respond to a number of situations.

And there is the contrast effect which Experiencing negative emotions can and will enhance our appreciation of positive ones, contributing to an overall emotional richness and which is in fact the human experience.

You cannot have happiness and joy without the sadness, without the disappointment, without the anger, without the fear. It's that contrast of emotions which makes us alive and makes all of the positive emotions that much more enjoyable to experience.

There is also an aspect of personal growth and learning that negative emotions can provide valuable feedback to our experiences and environment.

Certainly frustration can alert us to obstacles and challenges and prompt problem solving and perseverance, which helps us to grow and to learn and to evolve. disappointment can help us to reassess our goals and expectations.

Looking at how we can learn, how we can take what we have experienced and use it for ourselves and for really everyone that we come in contact with. they can also help to signal important information about our needs and our environment. Internal needs often, so negative emotions can highlight unmet internal needs.

Loneliness, boredom, certainly loneliness can signal, a need for social connection and belonging and building that intimacy with someone.

Boredom can signal a lack of stimulation or purpose and motivating us to seek Interesting, engaging activities or more meaningful goals. Environmental cues, negative emotions can act as an indicator of our surroundings and our situations.

So if we're experiencing stress, obviously it can alert us to potential overload or harmful environments, which would encourage us to seek balance and healthier conditions and to take care of ourselves.

Discomfort will signal something in our environment that needs to change, such as personal boundaries being crossed or values being compromised. And then there is the decision making and adaptation where negative emotions can influence our decision making processes, often guiding us towards better choices.

Regret, for instance, will teach us lessons about the past actions that we've taken and help us to shape future behavior and decision making.

Fear will help us to weigh risks and benefits leading to possibly more cautious and informed choices. I think all of these things serve us in a way that we are not taught to appreciate in and to understand, certainly there are a lot of messages and I'm sure you can think of examples yourself where we are encouraged not to dwell on some of these, not to let ourselves feel them, that we shouldn't feel this way and that something has gone wrong.

But in actual fact, as you've heard, this is not the case and that they do serve a purpose in that we can experience them and, There are advantages and there are benefits in doing so.

Now, an emotion is just a vibration in your body and whether it's negative or positive it's not going to harm you. It's not going to affect you permanently. It is something that we can either react to, we can resist, we can numb ourselves or buffer it away.

Or we can allow it and process it.

The ability for us to allow it and to process it encourages it and allows for it to move through us in a way that It doesn't prolong it. It doesn't strengthen it. It doesn't make it grow. And we avoid some of the net negative effects of resisting it or reacting to it or numbering and buffering it.

Reacting to an emotion would be slamming doors, yelling at people, resisting it it's trying to push it away, trying to keep yourself from feeling it. It's like holding a beach ball underwater. Just trying to push it away and not allowing it in.

Numbing and buffering can be doing something else to the extent that it has a net negative effect in order not to feel. So if you are eating a pint of ice cream. Or drinking a bottle of wine or spending too much money on online shopping or watching hours and hours of Netflix all in order to cope with and avoid your negative emotions has a net negative effect and it keeps us from allowing and processing our emotions.

But the best way to experience an emotion and negative emotion is to allow it and to process it. And we want to not suppress it. We don't want it to have an effect on our mental or physical health. We don't want to take it out on our loved ones or those around us. And certainly all of those ways, reacting, resisting, Or numbing and buffering it, have a net negative effect on ourselves and on our lives.

So what we want to do, first of all, is to gain awareness of what we're feeling. And you want to name that emotion that you are experiencing. Is it disappointment? Is it frustration? Is it anger? Is it loneliness? Is it boredom? And then you want to sit with it for a few minutes to allow it. And this is one of the most powerful exercises that we can do for ourselves.

Because instead of resisting it or reacting to it or not, buffering it, we are allowing it to pass through us and dissipate and we move through it in a way that does not. Make it grow. It does not make it harder for ourselves in any way, shape or form, or for those around us. And we can move through the idea is actually not to move through it quickly. that's not my message here.

You don't have to get through it quickly. And certainly some emotions, if it, depending on the situation, like anger or grief, sadness, you don't need to move through it quickly, but at the same time, when you allow it and process it, it does help it to move through you and it's not something that you hang on to and that persists or grows over an extended period of time. I'm sure you all know people or you've experienced this yourself, that you hold onto the emotion from something that happened years ago. And this is not necessary. You may always feel a twinge of grief, of sadness, of loss, depending on the situation.

But these emotions do not need to overwhelm you and they do not need to have a net negative effect and processing looks like you first of all having that awareness of what emotion you're feeling and then sitting with it.

Take some time to sit quietly in a space where you won't be disturbed and that you can take a few deep breaths and drop into your body and identify where you're experiencing this emotion. And once you know where it is in your body, I want you to start breathing into it, concentrate on where you're feeling it and how it feels. Breathe, continue breathing into it. Focus your mind on the sensation.

Your brain is going to wander off. It's just like meditation. Your brain will wander. It will think about what you're going to have for dinner tonight. It will think about whether you need to give the dog a bath this weekend. It will think about your pending to do list at work. That's okay.

When you notice it's wandered off just bring it back and then focus on the sensation in your body Is it still? Is it moving? Is it hard? Is it heavy? Is it light? Does it have a color? Does it have a texture?

So sit with it for a few minutes, breathing into it and just really focusing on what's going on in your body. if you can do that, refocusing your mind when it wanders off, reminding yourself just to be patient. Your only job is just to experience that emotion. I know for myself that oftentimes I'm in a hurry to okay, let's process this and get through it so that I start to feel better and I let go, but I have to remind myself pretty much every single time to just be patient, to just have that experience in the moment.

And then in its own time, it will dissipate, it will move through me I won't be feeling it as much as I did before.

As I said, some emotions, depending on the situation, maybe stronger. That's okay. You can repeat this process. Then once you've done that, you will feel lighter. You will feel like you've let go of some of that emotion, and then you can spend some time thinking about what you want to think about it, what you want to feel about it. I will cover that in another episode, but if you can just have that awareness of what you're feeling and give yourself a few minutes.

To just sit with it and feel it, you will have a better overall experience of that negative emotion and you will come to resist it less.

You will not feel the need to react to it or numb it and buffer it. You will know that you can experience any emotion and allow for it, process it and get through it. this is one of the keys to getting unstuck and to building a bigger life for yourself to going after what it is you want to create and your goals and your dreams, because you will have the tools to experience any emotion.

So therefore, if you are going after that big goal, which say is starting a business, no matter what happens, you will know that you will be able to experience it.

So if you've experienced a failure or a disappointment, you can process it, you can allow for it and process it and keep going. You won't fear it. You won't let that fear of disappointment or failure stop you. You will know you'll be able to experience it and keep going. And that's the key to doing it. accomplishing anything in your life, have those skills allowing and processing emotion. remember that negative emotions are not a problem to be solved.

It's just a part of our human experience. They are a messenger. They are a mechanism for our protection and for our survival, and they can have a number of positive effects on our lives in a number of ways. They are nothing to fear. They do not mean stop. They do not mean that anything has gone wrong. And your greatest tool will be to allow it and to process it. It doesn't take a lot of time, but it can be hugely effective in moving yourself forward and releasing any.

Avoidance or reactivity or resistance to experiencing your emotions.

That's what I have for you today. Thank you so much for joining me. This is some of the most important work that we can do, and it is what I teach in my coaching sessions.

I have a very exciting new program called the six week jumpstart to building a better relationship with yourself. I am super excited to share that with you.

I'm spending a little bit of time at home over the next couple of weeks, so there are limited spots on my calendar for a consultation, but I will definitely be opening up more, so keep your eyes open for that. And please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you want to set something up bilaterally.

We can do that. I would love to talk to you.

I would love to share more about my programs and tell you how coaching is really life changing and the skills and the tools that I teach are yours for the rest of your life and will have an impact and Really help you to approach problems and issues differently and to help you to really get unstuck and create the life that you want for yourself.

Have a great week. I'll talk to you soon. Bye bye.

Thank you for listening to This Daring Adventure podcast with your host Trista Guertin.

We hope you enjoyed the tips and conversations on how to get excited about life again.

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