Liking Yourself

Welcome to This Daring Adventure podcast, where we work on bridging the gap between where we are and where we want to be in order to live a bigger and bolder life. In this podcast, we will provide inspiration, tips, and skills you need to make your life the adventure you want it to be. Here's your host mindset mentor, and life coach Trista Guertin.

Hey, everybody. Welcome back.

This is episode 70 liking yourself.

Thank you so much for joining me.

I am Trista Guertin. I am a master certified coach, and I am excited to talk about this topic today because first of all, it's something that came up in a recent coaching session with a client.

And it also inspired me to develop a six week jumpstart program on building a better relationship with yourself. I'm going to be launching that in the near future.

And so this ties in beautifully with that. And. In my client session, we were talking about relationships and, asking partners for what you need and I asked her if she loved herself. then I thought Let's go back. Do you like yourself? And she was unsure. She didn't know. then when she thought about it for a moment, she said, no, I don't think I do.

And to me, this is one of the foundations of my coaching work. I think having, A good, loving relationship with yourself is the foundation for creating the life that you want, becoming the woman that you want to become. It is the most important relationship you will ever have. You are going to be with yourself for your entire life.

And developing this really is the base, it's the foundation, it's the springboard, it takes you forward, and once you have a solid loving relationship with yourself, then you can go after your dreams and your goals and really truly start creating in a way that you never have before. It is empowering and it really does help you to bring yourself into alignment with what you want and who you are. This topic, this idea of liking yourself and loving yourself is one that we're not really taught a lot about as we grow up.

I first started doing some of this work probably when I was 19 or 20, maybe 21. I found Louise Hay. She did a lot of affirmations work. There was a lot of work about, loving yourself. I had some health issues at the time And that was the base of some of the work that I was looking at from her about how To cultivate that love and to improve your overall health and situation, You don't need to go back to Louise Hay's work, but the idea is that, the importance of this relationship and how to go about cultivating it, it's something that is not obvious and its importance is not taught to us.

I think it's quite common that we, as women, don't like ourselves and don't understand the impact that it has on our lives. without that love, we are less likely To go after our goals and to go after our dreams and to really pursue that growth and Evolvement in becoming who we want to become I think as I said this relationship creates that base, it creates that foundation and so you are more likely to be resilient, you are more likely to take risks.

You are more likely to honor what it is you want instead of seeking external validation or external acceptance and love and thinking that you need to do what the other person wants you to do or what society thinks you should do in order to be loved and accepted and a successful human being. And so in this episode, I want to go over some of the reasons why this relationship, liking yourself and loving yourself eventually is so important. And then to give you a few ideas of how you can start to, to build that relationship with yourself and to start liking yourself. in a way that helps you to start eventually loving yourself.

So self love is essential for several reasons. The first is enhanced mental health and self love will be closely linked to improved mental well being. When you have a strong relationship, a strong positive relationship with yourself, you are going to be better able to manage your stress, to cope with challenges, and to maintain a more positive outlook on life.

Self love will help you to navigate through negative emotions, challenging situations, challenges such as anxiety, or depression, or low self esteem. It could also be disappointment, failure, any of those emotions that, prove challenging to you.

You will have a greater resiliency to, to cope and to move through them.

Next, you will be able to cultivate healthier relationships. Once you have a loving relationship with yourself, then you will be able to have greater, healthier, more fulfilling relationships with others. You will have a greater sense of self worth and self respect. So you will not be as likely to tolerate mistreatment or disrespect or to settle for unhealthy dynamics in relationships. You will be able to better establish boundaries. You will be communicating more effectively, and you will create connections that are based on mutual respect and understanding. they will truly be more authentic and more loving.

Once you know how to love yourself, then you will be better able, to love others. I think that's really true. If you don't know how to love yourself, how are you going to know how to love someone else? I think it's very challenging. I think cultivating this relationship with yourself will help you to show up better and to love better in all relationships.

The third is empowerment and self actualization. You will be empowered to pursue your goals and dreams and aspirations with more confidence and determination. Self love, this relationship with yourself includes a deep sense of self love, your worthiness and what you are capable of. And when you have that foundation of a sense of worthiness and capability, you are more likely to take risks. You are more likely to embrace challenges and you will go out and you will pursue opportunities for growth and self expression.

Self love fuels a sense of agency and autonomy.

You have a sense that you can go out and create the life that you truly want and You are more likely to go and do that and then the fourth reason why self love is important is because it helps you to develop resilience and adaptability so whatever adversity you may face, whatever problems, whatever challenges, when you have that sense of love, when you have that strong sense of self love, you will be able to bounce back better.

You will be able to process failures and mistakes. You won't make them mean anything about yourself. You won't internalize them. You will be able to take the lessons and understand what you're learning about yourself and about life and let go of the rest. But you don't make it mean that anything has gone wrong, you don't make it mean anything has gone wrong about you, and you are able to keep going.

So whatever happens, whatever life's ups and downs come at you, whatever challenges you face, especially when you're going after your goals and your dreams, And then finally self love is important because it helps you to develop authenticity and fulfillment.

When you love yourself you are want to embrace your authenticity and you want to live in alignment with your values and your desires and your passion. You prioritize what's important to you and you honor what you want. So you're making choices based on you, what you want, what you desire, rather than seeking validation or approval from others. And when you do this, you will experience a deeper sense of fulfillment of purpose and of overall satisfaction in life.

So self love is not indulgent. It is not selfish. It is truly the foundation of your personal development and well being. It is the key to unlocking your full potential, cultivating deeper, more loving, more meaningful relationships with others, and creating the life that you want because you won't want to live any other way.

So how can you start to do this? There are a couple of ways I'm going to give you now.

The first is recognizing your negative self talk. If you're beating yourself up, if you're criticizing yourself, if you're judging yourself, if you're calling yourself names That's the place you want to start.

First, you want to gain awareness of when and where this is happening for you. Catch yourself. Understand what's triggering this. What are you saying to yourself? How do you feel when you say this? Because I guarantee you, none of it is helpful and it's making you feel terrible and then it's not going to drive you to take the actions that you need to take or you want to take in order to create different results in your life. you know this if you have children or pets or students or whomever you're dealing with, when you unleash a tirade of insults criticism, putdowns, judgments, it never helps. You probably feel terrible after And certainly the other person on the receiving end doesn't feel good either, and in the long run, it's not sustainable. It's not going to help. It might help in a moment or two, but then it's not going to build that intimacy. It's not going to change that behavior.

So catching yourself, becoming aware of when this is going on and what you're saying, and then slowly in the moment when it's happening, catching yourself and taking a pause. once you get better at taking a pause, coming up with phrases, sentences, things you want to say to yourself instead.

Now you don't have to go to rainbows and daisies. It doesn't have to be like you're fantastic and this is unbelievable and you've got it all right, but choose something more neutral. At the very least, move away from the insults and the criticism and the judgements. Pick some phrases that are less harmful, less antagonistic.

Take the time to write some of these out, think about them. Again, they don't have to be rainbows and daisies, but have something. It could be something as simple as, It's okay, you're doing okay, we'll figure this out. Of course this happened, of course it's difficult. Of course you're feeling this way.

Whatever it might be, you need to pick something that sort of resonates with you, but choose something that is less derogatory, less critical. then eventually when you become better at catching yourself and refocusing, choose phrases and thoughts that are more positive and more loving and more compassionate. It will take time.

You're not going to be one and done. It's going to take a while to change the habit.

You've probably been doing this your whole life. But you will be able to change. You will be able to rewire your brain. You will be able to get out of the habit. Start slowly. Start with the awareness and the understanding of what's going on and when you do this. then start to practice more neutral thoughts.

Be prepared in the moment for what you want to say to yourself instead. Write it on a sticky note, put it on your phone, but be patient with yourself and keep practicing. Keep going. The next is cultivating self compassion.

Self compassion means, and I'm taking this from Dr. Kristen Neff's website. She's done a lot of really great work on self compassion and I put the link in the show notes.

But think of it as the compassion that you usually would have for a friend or your child or when you see someone who is suffering. First, you want to notice that the person is suffering and feeling badly.

So you want to do that about yourself. Take a moment, take a beat. Gain that awareness of what's going on for you. And then to feel that compassion rather than pity, but that you are suffering and that it's okay. If you are feeling that suffering or you have experienced failure or you've made a mistake, that this is human, that you are having a perfectly human experience, that nothing has gone wrong, that you have done nothing wrong, that this is part of your experience and that it's okay.

Then you want to respond to your friend or to yourself with warmth and compassion and kindness. Treat yourself the same way you would anyone else who's suffering and who needs a little bit of love. when you do this, it's offering yourself that support and it's not ignoring it. it's not disregarding it. It's taking a moment to care and to comfort yourself. It's taking a moment to acknowledge the experience that you're having and that it's human and that it's okay.

You show compassion to yourself the same way you would to anyone else. who is suffering.

Then you want to celebrate your strengths and accomplishments. How often are you celebrating yourself, celebrating your wins, telling yourself that you're proud of yourself, telling yourself that you love yourself? what are you proud of? What have you achieved? What have you done? that you want to really take a moment and express appreciation for in yourself. Sometimes I literally give myself a pat on the back, or I will tell myself that I'm proud. I'm really proud of you for doing this.

When I've done something that I didn't think I could do, when I figure something out that I didn't think I could figure out, when I've sat down to do some work which I didn't think I would be able to sit down and do, I tell myself that I am proud of myself. And that is a win, that it's a success.

It doesn't matter how small, whatever you're celebrating, whatever you're acknowledging, start really small. It could be, that you had a salad for dinner, that you went for a walk for 15 minutes, or that you reacted differently, you showed up differently, you didn't say the thing that you thought, you'd usually say.

Whatever it is, you said no, when usually you would have said yes. It doesn't matter what it is. If you view it as a success, then celebrate that you would appreciate that in yourself and note that. Even if it's just for a couple of seconds. you can also make a list, make a list of things that you're proud of. Make a list of achievements and things, your successes you've experienced for your entire life. I do one exercise with clients where you start at the very beginning. Graduated kindergarten, went to grade one, got your driver's license, graduated from college, whatever it is, got that job, ran that half marathon. Acknowledge these things along the way.

Your brain tends to negate them. it tends to diminish them. It tends to disregard them to some extent because it's more likely to focus on the negative. The primitive part of your brain is designed to protect you and to keep you safe. I think there is an element in us that we focus on the things that we haven't done, the failures and the mistakes. They're just a little bit easier to focus on. They're a little bit easier to believe.

Don't pay the same attention to our successes and our achievements. So taking the time to pull them out, to write them down, to reflect on them can be a helpful reminder for your brain that, hey, we do have some successes. We do have some achievements. It is possible. We're pretty amazing.

All right, you might not go there all the way, to recognize that you have strengths, you have talent, you have accomplishments, no matter what they are, if they're important to you, then they are important. Full stop.

You don't have to compare yourself to anybody or anything else. So think about that, reflect on it, appreciate it, and support yourself on a regular basis. Daily basis.

If you need to keep track, pick one thing every day that you want to celebrate that you want to note, it's important. Remind your brain and your brain will start to focus more and more on those things. It will start to pay more attention when you give it that task. When you give it that focus. That's what it will start to focus on and find more evidence for and that will reinforce. this process and start to build a bit more of your confidence and your strength.

Finally, there is learning to set boundaries and prioritizing your self care. Learning how to set boundaries is important. I think a lot of times when we don't love ourselves we don't have effective boundaries. We're looking for that validation. We're looking for that love. We're looking for that approval. And so we're more likely to compromise on what it is we want and what it is we need and not take care of ourselves. But boundaries are something that you set for yourself. And it's not an ultimatum to another person, but it's, if this happens, then I will do this. It's not, if you need to stop doing this, or else I'm going to leave. It's a boundary that you have to uphold and that you are ready to act on. It's not the other person's responsibility.

So understanding what those boundaries are and setting them and upholding them is important because that way you will have more integrity in your relationships and you will not be compromising what it is you want or Your energy or your time or your self worth and then you want to prioritize activities that promote self care.

So you want to be prioritizing activities that promote self care that take care of your mind, your body and your spirit. whatever that is for you. I always recommend to my clients a walk, journaling, tapping, meditation, yoga. Those are the things that work for me, but you can find whatever it is that is appropriate for you.

Try out a range of things if you don't know, if you're not sure, but certainly things like Taking time for yourself, sitting quietly, mindfulness, meditation, anything that helps you to gain some stillness, some perspective, get some rest, is really helpful. Get support. Eat properly, get help if you need it. But all of those things are important for your self care and will help you to recharge your energy and give you that. All of these things are things that you would do when you love yourself because you want to take care of yourself.

You want to prioritize your health at all levels. And making sure that you invest the time and the energy into these. will help you to feel better in the long run. And when you're feeling better, then you're able to do better and to take care of yourself and to take care of others as well.

All right, so developing a relationship with yourself and loving yourself is the foundation that you want to go after your goals and your dreams and create the life you truly want. And it is the key to becoming the woman that you want to become. And we're not taught this in school. It's not something that comes to us intuitively, and we need to learn how to do this. We need to spend the time and you can do this by Not beating yourself up, not criticizing yourself, becoming really conscious of the way you talk to yourself, having self compassion, making sure that. You are treating yourself as well as you treat your loved ones, your best friends, your children, your spouse. You want to celebrate your strengths and accomplishments.

Take note of your wins.

Celebrate each little step of progress that you make along the way.

Train your brain to focus on what's going what you're doing well. Where your strengths are, and it will better focus on those and keep track of those and look for evidence for those instead of focusing on the negative, instead of focusing on the things that you've done wrong, or that you haven't done, and that will set you up for greater level of confidence and boost your energy and enthusiasm for going forward. And then you want to learn how to set boundaries and prioritize self care, saying no, deciding what you will or you won't do. You have to be the one who acts on them and then prioritizing your self care, taking that time, devoting your energy to replenishing yourself, ensuring that you are operating at the best levels that you can is an investment in the short term and the long term in developing this relationship with yourself and going after what it is you want, right?

So knowing that this self love is not selfish, it's not indulgent, but it is an important part of your personal development and of your wellbeing and you will better be equipped to go after your dreams, to go after your goals. You will live a life that is more in alignment and authentic for you than seeking anything externally. Your relationship with yourself is one that you are going to have for the entirety of your time on this planet.

So it's worth investing in this now. You may not have done it before.

But spend a few moments thinking about whether you actually like yourself and whether you love yourself. And if not, then ask yourself, why not?

And then create a plan to start today. It's one of the best investments you will ever make for yourself and in yourself.

It is the key, as I said, to creating the life that you want and becoming the person that you want to become. I will be introducing a new program very soon, so keep your eyes and ears open. I will definitely do a podcast episode on it and I will be sending out some emails about it as well.

I am still offering my one to one coaching session, if you're interested in trying coaching.

The link is in the show notes. You can get on my calendar, bring any issue you wish, learn how to let go of the stories that are holding you back, learn more about building a relationship with yourself. I'm only offering these until the end of June.

So if you've been thinking at all about trying one of these sessions, now is the time. click the link in the show notes and get on my calendar.

And if you have a moment to rate, review, share, and subscribe, I would greatly appreciate it. It helps me get this podcast out to more and more women and to get the message out that you don't have to stay stuck. And if you're feeling like you're meant for more, it's because you are.

Let's do the work.

Thank you so much for joining me and I will talk to you next week. Bye bye.

Thank you for listening to This Daring Adventure podcast with your host Trista Guertin.

We hope you enjoyed the tips and conversations on how to get excited about life again.

As always, you can head to tristaguertin.com for additional resources and to book a one on one coaching session.

You can also follow Trista on Instagram at tristavguertin.

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Thanks again for tuning in and we'll see you next time.