Reframing Embarrassment

Hey everybody. Welcome to mini episode Monday and today I wanted to dive into something that we all experience but rarely talk about honestly. And it's those moments of crushing embarrassment that leave us wanting to hide from the world that were so awkward, but that we can't let go of that. We can't stop thinking about, have you ever made a well-intentioned mistake that left you completely mortified? I. Maybe you sent an email you shouldn't have, or said something inappropriate at a meeting, made a decision that backfired spectacularly and then you just can't stop obsessing about it. It happens. We've all had that experience. So today I want to walk you through exactly why your brain gets stuck in these embarrassment loops and give you a couple of tools to break free because you don't have to stay trapped. And by the end of the episode you'll understand not only why this happens, but exactly how to move yourself forward with confidence after making any mistake. So let me tell you about a client I worked with recently. She had been substitute teaching at her favorite school when she sent an email that unintentionally breached confidentiality. Now, she was actually excited and was pleased with what she was sharing and thought others would be too, but instead. She found out she had made a serious error and she did everything right afterwards. She owned up to it, completely apologized, sincerely, and was totally transparent. It was an honest mistake. She just hadn't thought it through, but here's what happened next. She got completely stuck in an embarrassment loop. She told me she was considering never returning to that school because she just couldn't bear facing anyone there again, and this is what our brains do. When we experience social embarrassment, our primitive part of our brain flags it as a survival threat. Now it does this because historically being rejected from the tribe was extremely dangerous to our survival. We couldn't survive on our own. So this was a major threat. It was life or death. And so your brain is treating embarrassment like it's life threatening because it thinks it is now the problem. Is threefold. First, we resist feeling the actual emotion of embarrassment. We try to push it away, which ironically makes it grow stronger. What you resist persists and there is scientific evidence that proves that what you're resisting can actually grow stronger. Second, we start ruminating. We replay the scenario over and over again in our minds, each time reinforcing the neural pathways of shame in our brains. And then third, we make the situation mean something about our identity. We make it mean I'm careless, or I can't be trusted, or I'm unprofessional. The cost of this problem is enormous. When we're caught in embarrassment, we start playing small. We avoid taking risks. We hide ourselves. We hold ourselves back. We might even remove ourselves from environments we love. We stop showing up as our full authentic selves because we're too busy trying to protect ourselves from future embarrassment. Look at my client. She loved working at this school and she was seriously considering never going back again. So the solution is what I call the embarrassment liberation protocol. I asked that for a fancy title. This is a three part approach I've developed after working with hundreds of clients who are trapped in shame and embarrassment cycles. The first part is understanding that your brain is not broken. It's doing exactly what it evolved to do. Your primitive brain is trying to protect you by flagging social errors and preventing future ones. The problem isn't your brain. I. It's just we need to learn how to manage it. Having awareness, understanding what's going on, and then learning how to manage it is key. The second part is learning to process embarrassment completely instead of resisting it. Embarrassment is an emotion. Emotion is just a vibration and energy in our bodies. When you allow yourself to feel it all the way through, it moves through us and dissipates naturally. This is by far the most straightforward way to allow and process our emotions. And then the third part is reframing how you think about what happened. Using specific language patterns and thought models that I teach my clients. When you implement these three elements together, something remarkable happens. You not only move past the current embarrassment, but you develop resilience that makes you less susceptible to these spirals in the future. And if it does happen, you will have the tools to help you through it. So let me walk you through exactly how this works in practice. step one. Is to recognize when you're in an embarrassment spiral. The signs include obsessive thinking about the incident, physical sensations of discomfort when you remember it, and avoidance behaviors like not wanting to face the people involved. Step two is to allow the emotion completely set a timer for 90 seconds. That's how long it'll take for an emotion to physically move through your body. If you don't resist it, close your eyes. Place your hand on your chest and describe the physical sensation of embarrassment. Is it hot? Where do you feel it? Is it moving or static? Don't analyze the situation, just feel the physical sensation. Step three is to apply the model. We take a look at the circumstance. That's what actually happened, Have awareness. I notice I'm thinking thoughts that aren't serving me. Reframe, replace, mistake with choice and identify the learning and then acceptance. This makes sense And I am okay. Let me show you how this worked with my client. Let's say the circumstance was, I sent an email that contained confidential information. I. Her statement was, I notice I'm thinking thoughts about the situation that are creating ongoing suffering For me. Her reframe was I made a choice with good intentions that had consequences I didn't anticipate. This doesn't define my worth or competence as a teacher. And her acceptance statement was, it makes sense that I feel embarrassed and I'm still okay. The final step in the process is what I call the future self integrion. I had my client imagine herself six months in the future. Looking back at this incident, what would that version of herself want to tell her current self? What has she learned? How has she grown? This helps create distance and perspective. The results of this process are truly transformational. They have a huge impact and they can make such a difference to lighten your load, to release, to let go, and to really reframe and get you unstuck. When my client implemented these steps, here's what happened. First, she noticed the intensity of her embarrassment decreased by about 80%. Just in one coaching session, she was able to imagine returning to the school without that pit in her stomach. Second, she gained a new level of emotional intelligence that she could apply to. Any area of her life, she was recognizing when her brain was catastrophizing other small errors and could interrupt the pattern. Her brain loves to add a lot of drama. We have to catch it. We have to be onto what it's doing. Third and most importantly, she reclaimed her power instead of being controlled by fear about what others might think, she reconnected with her intention and values. She remembered why she loved going to that school in the first place and decided that was more important than her temporary discomfort. This is available to everyone listening right now. You don't have to stay stuck in embarrassment. You can make choices, learn from the outcomes, and move forward with wisdom rather than shame. So I want to leave you with this thought. Your embarrassing moments do not define you, but how you respond to them might. If you're stuck in embarrassment and ready to break free, I want to invite you to work with me in my one-to-one coaching program. We take all of these insights and we apply it to your life. We go deep into these patterns and transform them at the root level. You can learn more by booking a discovery call. The link is in the show notes. I would love to talk to you. I would love to show you the impact that this work can have in any area of your life. Remember, life isn't about avoiding mistakes, but it's about growing through them. Alright everybody, thanks for joining me. I'll talk to you next time.