Reframing 'Toxic"

Welcome to This Daring Adventure podcast, where we work on bridging the gap between where we are and where we want to be in order to live a bigger and bolder life. In this podcast, we will provide inspiration, tips, and skills you need to make your life the adventure you want it to be. Here's your host, mindset mentor and life coach Trista Guertin.

Hi, everybody. Welcome back to This Daring Adventure. today is episode 90. We're getting up there. I'm looking forward to hitting 100 soon. I guess it won't be until the new year, but that's exciting. Now, I wanted to let you know about a few things that will be going on over the next few weeks. I'm especially excited to Get through November and December and offer a number of opportunities to work together. One of them is a masterclass I'm holding on Tuesday, November 19th at 1 p. m. Eastern. It is the Breakthrough the Blocks Taking Purposeful Action Masterclass. And I will add the link to my show notes. You can register in advance and if you can't make it live, I will be sharing a recording. I will also be offering another round of my Get Unstuck Masterclass and that will be on Wednesday, November 27th at 2 p. m. Eastern. The link for that will also be in the show notes. I am going to be offering a 2025 Dream Life Workshop and that will be on December 4th. That will not be a free workshop whereas the other two will be free masterclasses but I will be putting the link for that Probably in the show notes, if not this week, the next week, and I'm really excited about that. I think that will be really helpful as we close out the year and head into 2025 to start strong and to give ourselves some focus and some direction and set some goals. And I'm also going to be offering a free group coaching session. I haven't set a date for that. That's on my list of things to do. If I do that today, I will add that in the show notes for this podcast episode. But if not, then I will be sending out an email about that tomorrow. And as well, it will be in future episodes of my podcast. Podcast. So lots going on. I'm really excited about that. The other thing I wanted to tell you about is the private podcast series that I've created. It is a limited edition six session or six episode podcast series on my six week jumpstart to building a better relationship with yourself program. So what I did is I I've created episodes for each of the six modules in my program to give you an idea of the work that we do in each module. And I've also included a little exercise something that helps you to take the work a little bit deeper. And so if you are at all if you're interested, curious about the program, I will put the link in the show notes and you can subscribe to that and listen to whatever platform you use for your podcasts. It's a lot of fun. I was really excited to create that podcast series for you and I hope you enjoy. Alright, let's dive into the episode today and the episode that I wanted to do is on toxicity, things being labeled as toxic. And I was speaking to a friend, former colleague the other day, and we got onto the topic of toxic workplaces. And I know that this is something quite common. This has actually been around for a few years now. And often people will refer to their offices, their workplaces, their companies as toxic. But I'm just not sure that label is useful for us. And so I wanted to do a little bit of a deeper dive into that today because I find that labeling people or things as toxic can keep us stuck and it will limit our growth and it drains our energy and I want to offer some ideas and some tips on how you can reframe these situations so that you're not feeling stuck, you're not feeling weighed down, you're not feeling exhausted at the end of the day or the week by what's going on in your office, because I offer that is completely optional. I am not sure where this term came from, to be honest, and it probably doesn't really matter. It's around, it's used, but it seems to have become a catch all for negative experiences and people. And it makes sense. I'm not saying that it doesn't make sense, but it does create a label, which in turn creates the idea of a fixed, unchangeable story. We are stuck in these toxic workplaces. We are stuck with these toxic people and it reinforces a sense of powerlessness and we are blaming our external circumstances. We are blaming other people for the way that we feel. And it has an impact on our minds. It has an impact on our emotions. And this label will limit our ability to look inward and to change how we show up and what we can control, which are our reactions, our boundaries, our choices, and the way we're thinking about the situation. so when we find ourselves labeling something as toxic. It is not about them. And it's more about us. It's very easy and it's very common to externalize responsibility. It lets us off the hook. It's not our fault. It's not us, it's them. Someone else being toxic lets us off the hook from examining our role in our relationship. It's very much, they do this. This is what they create. It's not our fault. and we create these labels and this idea in our head that the situation shouldn't be as it is. We're arguing with reality. We're saying that it shouldn't be this way. They should be doing things in a different way. Usually there's some comparison, they're not doing things the way I think they should be doing them, they're not doing them as well as I think they should be doing them. And then we land up thinking that the situation is intolerable and that they need to change in order for us to feel better. But instead, we can learn from this situation and we can see these challenging situations and these challenging people as opportunities for personal growth. you can leave that relationship, you can leave that job, you can leave that company, you can leave that town or whatever toxic situation you find yourself in, but you're going to be taking your brain with you. And the idea is that it's not our external circumstance that's creating the situation but the way that we are thinking about it. And so this provides numerous opportunities for us to learn how to develop new skills. instead of just getting sucked into labeling something toxic, we can ask, what is this situation teaching me? What can I learn here? Where is the opportunity in this? I also think we can ask ourselves, how do we want to show up? What is within my control? All of those questions are far more powerful and give you an opportunity to learn and to grow and to evolve to the next level. so we want to look at especially how we can reframe our mindset. And one of the ways we want to start is going from toxic to looking at the specificities of the situation. what is it in particular? we want to get specific about what they are instead of just a blanket statement that everything is toxic and our brain really likes that, it really likes to work in generalities and everything is toxic and everything is wrong and everything is bad versus. narrowing it down and getting specific. So instead of she's toxic, push your brain. You have to push your brain to get specific. She frequently dismisses my feelings. She talks over me. He dismisses and doesn't acknowledge my work. He doesn't listen to me when I make suggestions. His directions are not clear. And then you can see some patterns perhaps that might give you some insight and some agency over your own choices. So push your brain to get specific. Don't just allow it off the hook, push it to be specific about what the issue is and what you're seeing. Next learn how to set boundaries without blaming people. Learning how to set boundaries is a skill. And understanding that these boundaries are created from a place of self respect and care instead of from resentment. And the boundary you create is for yourself, not for the other person. It is not for the other person to respect. It is for you to uphold. You want to choose a boundary that you are ready to uphold and to act on. It might be a little bit more tricky, a little bit more complicated in the workplace, but You still have that ability and it is not up to somebody else to respect your boundaries. You need to set boundaries that you can act on. So the boundary could be that your colleague regularly insults you when you're having lunch in a group setting, let's say. Then your boundary could be when she does that, then you speak up and you say something, you ask her not to say it, you call her out for it, in a polite, professional way. Or your boundary could be that you decide to go and sit at another table or you leave the room, but it is not up to the other person to respect your boundary. And you don't actually have to announce the boundary, but say you decide that if someone, your colleague, insults you at the lunch table, then you decide that you pick up your lunch and you go and you sit at a different table. Or you just decide you're never going to sit and eat with that person again. You have that choice and that's your boundary. That's taking care of yourself. You need to also own your own experience. Remember that people or situations are external circumstances and they don't make us feel a certain way. All of our responses, all of our thoughts, all of our feelings are within our own control. You are in charge of what you're thinking and how you're feeling. And then as a result, what you do not give that power, that responsibility over to anything outside of yourself. Sometimes when you find yourself in an emotionally charged situation, you find yourself in fight or flight or freeze. You want to take a few minutes to calm yourself down, to breathe, to bring that prefrontal cortex of yours back online, because then you can think rationally and then you can think more calmly, but take the time. Sometimes you will react. It will happen very quickly, especially if it's a habit. That's okay. You're human, but give yourself a few minutes to go off and to do a breathing exercise. I always recommend box breathing. It's simple, it's easy to remember. You inhale for four, you hold for four, you exhale for four, and then you hold for four, and you can do a few rounds for that, and that will bring your nervous system back online. You will calm yourself down and then you'll be able to think, you'll be able to collect your thoughts. Remember that your language will shape your mindset, Once you've calmed yourself down, If you've found yourself in a situation that's particularly emotionally charged, refocus your brain on growth. Remember the power of language. Language will help shape your mindset and shifting from they're toxic to I'm choosing what's healthy for me. I'm focusing on how I can show up and then you want to reinforce positive narratives. Build a mindset of growth, focusing on what you are learning and who you want to become and how you are growing and evolving in this situation. Look at it as an opportunity and focus on your growth. And focus on that every single day, remind yourself, take a few minutes and refocus your brain. Take some time every morning to focus your brain on what you want it to focus on and what you want it to pay attention to and how you want to show up and then on what the opportunity is, what you can learn, how you can grow. Just remember labeling people or things as toxic is really not very helpful and it really does disempower you. And it doesn't foster any growth. It just makes us shut down, makes us play small, and it is a drain on energy. So for the next week, take this opportunity to reframe each instance of labeling by pushing your brain to focus on specific actions or emotions and consider what you can learn instead and who you want to be. How you want to show up. Take some small steps in learning how to set boundaries. Practice self reflection and focusing your brain every single day. And when you find yourself in these challenging situations with people or in workplaces, different relationships, focus on it as a a journey as an opportunity, as a challenge that is designed to help you grow and to evolve to the next level. All right. I hope that's helpful. I just, every time I hear someone use the word toxic, this is what I think. I think it's not useful. I think it's not helpful. I think it limits us, it keeps it stuck and it drains our energy. So there you go. All right. Subscribe to the private podcast. If you're interested in learning more about my six week jumpstart program, you can sign up for a consult with me. We'll have a one to one discussion. You can ask me any questions you might have, learn more about the program, and I would love to hear what's going on for you. Coaching changes lives. This is something that I am absolutely convinced of, and I can't wait to share with as many women as possible. The link to my calendar will be in the show notes. Please take that opportunity and let's talk. Let's start your transformation. As I said, as I mentioned, I will also be putting the links to the upcoming masterclasses. And there will be a lot more going on in the next few months. So stay tuned for that. Thank you so much for listening. If you have a moment to rate or review the podcast, I would really appreciate it. It helps me to reach a bigger audience and Apple really likes to see those and it helps to push the podcast out to new listeners all the time. So I really appreciate your assistance in that. Thanks everybody. Thank you so much for being here and I'll talk to you next week. Bye bye.

Thank you for listening to this Daring Adventure podcast with your host Trista Guertin. We hope you enjoyed the tips and conversations on how to get excited about life again. As always, you can head to tristaguertin.com for additional resources and to book a one on one coaching session. You can also follow Trista on Instagram at tristavguertin. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple Podcasts. Thanks again for tuning in and we'll see you next time.