There is Nothing Wrong with You

Welcome to This Daring Adventure podcast, where we work on bridging the gap between where we are and where we want to be in order to live a bigger and bolder life. In this podcast, we will provide inspiration, tips, and skills you need to make your life the adventure you want it to be. Here's your host mindset mentor, and life coach Trista Guertin.

Hey, everybody.

Welcome back to This Daring Adventure.

My name is Trista Guertin and I am a master certified coach.

This is episode 75.

Today, I wanted to talk about the fact that You are okay, you are not doing it wrong, and there is nothing wrong with you.

One of the things I've been struck by since I've started my coaching journey, and this is both being coached personally and being a coach.

Going through the entire certification program, and the subsequent training, programs that I've gone through being a part of group coaching programs and coaching women one to one. I'm from, just myself.

One of the things that I've seen consistently that comes up for women is the idea that they're doing it wrong. Whatever it is, can be work, can be relationships, it could be parenting or that there is something wrong with them. Somehow they're not good enough. They're not able to do it, or it could be both they're doing it wrong and there's something wrong with them and typically they blame themselves.

And as I said, it really struck me because this was happening consistently. In all of the coaching containers that I was in. And what I just decided one day was that this can't be right. That we all can't be wrong. if we're all thinking the same way, then it has something to do with us. Not inherently that we are, wrong or that there is some, that we're doing something wrong, but that there is something out there that is causing us to think and feel this way and what I've discovered is yes, I mean there are explanations for this.

The first is, and you look probably at traditional therapy, they will look at your family of origin, how you grew up, your parents the environment that you grew up in, and, obviously, when we are young, when we are babies, when we are children, our brains are very impressionable, we're picking up a lot of information, we just take it all in.

We don't have the capacity to analyze it or process it in a way that we do once we're older and once our brains have matured.

Our brain just tries to do the best that it can.

And it will come up with certain ideas, it will create certain beliefs and it makes an impression on us.

The second is that it is To do with the way our brain is, we have a brain that has a primitive part, which has kept us alive for thousands of years as, evolving as a species for thousands of years. It likes to seek pleasure, avoid pain and be as efficient as possible. part of that programming is to use fear and doubt as a way to protect us. And so it will default to the negative, it will look for problems, and a lot of times that is directed directly at ourselves, it's directly at ourselves. so we will criticize ourselves, we'll be quite hard on ourselves.

We internalize all of the issues and just believe that there's something wrong with us. We're not doing it right. And we also catastrophize everything thinking that there's no hope for us, that we can't fix this and that there is just something inherently wrong with us. then the third, what I've been learning is, and I will put the book in the show notes, but it's Take Back Your Brain by Kara Lowenthal, that we are also socialized this way. the messaging that we receive from social media, from school, from books and movies and TV, and It's religion, culture.

We receive these messages, particularly as women, that we need to measure up to a certain standard. We need to be a certain way, whether it's our weight or our clothing size or the color of our hair or our age. We get a lot of messaging that we aren't good enough the way we are, that we are probably doing it wrong and that we need to be doing things differently than we are, that somehow we are not acceptable just as we are. And so we see this, we receive these messages all the time. I think there is a certain consciousness now about it.

You do see that things in the mainstream media. And in social media are starting to shift slightly, questioning some of these standards and these ideas and this need for us to conform, but we were raised like this when they think that like probably, you'd be horrified to watch some of the TV shows that I grew up watching.

I watched hours and hours of TV when I was growing up and all I think of all the fashion magazines and all the beauty magazines that I read growing up, all of that was full of messaging about how to conform, how to live up to that standard, how to be more beautiful, how to be a better wife, mother, sister, brother, not brother. How to live in the perfect home and have the perfect hair and the perfect size and all of these things. Yeah, which have an impact on us.

It's not by accident that we think we are not good enough, that we are doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with us and that somehow we are to blame. we place a lot of value on what others think of us.

Whether people we, we know people that we are in relationships with or just society in general, but we place a lot more value on what they think than on what we think of ourselves. so my message here today is and so the reason why I wanted to do this episode today was to reinforce the message that there is nothing wrong with you and you're not doing it wrong and you're not to blame for anything.

The fact is, this is the way we've been raised. This is the way our brain is designed. This is the messaging that we constantly receive, and so it makes sense that this is what's going on in our brains, and we can start to change it.

We can start to think differently.

Now, how do you do that?

The first thing I recommend is just to know that this is normal. There doesn't have to be any shame around it. There doesn't have to be any beating yourself up for it. Just know that this is okay, that it's normal, and that if this is what's going through your mind at any time, nothing has gone wrong.

The second thing is that you want to take a look at What do you believe? Take some time. Write it out. Think about what you believe about yourself, about society, about your life. What comes up? don't censor yourself and don't edit it. But what are some of your beliefs? in particular, what are your thoughts about yourself?

Then, I would spend a little bit of time just thinking about where these might have come from. Some you might be able to trace back easily. It's something that your fourth grade teacher said to you, or your mother said to you, or your friend said to you, or an ex boyfriend, whatever it is. Others you might have to dig a little bit deeper. I don't think you need to spend a whole lot of time on this, but I think if you go through some of your thoughts and can start to link them to see that they make sense because you've been exposed to them or they've been said to you, or it's something that you've picked up at home or at school or from the media and that you can understand where this is coming from.

And it's just clear for you and your brain and you're not just having this vague notion that it's somehow your fault and somehow you have something wrong with you, You want to try and catch yourself as often as possible when this is happening, like when these thoughts are coming up for you when you start to go down that path of, Oh, I'm doing it wrong here. Or, I've done something wrong or there's something wrong with me.

Try and catch yourself, try and gain that awareness of when this is happening to you. then that's when you can journal about it, write it down, take a look at it, spend a moment or two making sense of where it might have come from for you. then you can ask yourself a few questions such as, is this helpful? Do I want to keep thinking this? What else might be true? You can ask your brain for evidence for what else might be true. instead of focusing and running up a list of evidence for the way you're doing something wrong, or you might be to blame, or there's something wrong with you, ask your brain, what else might be true?

Then spend a few moments looking for evidence for that, build that, ask your brain to focus. It's very important to give your brain, that task, that job to look for it. And what you look for, you will find.

Then you can ask yourself, ask your brain to choose a better feeling thought. What's one thought that might feel just a little bit better and it's a little bit more believable. It doesn't have to go to rainbows and daisies and unicorns and that you're the most wonderful person on the planet, but looking for just a slightly better thought. you can use a modifier you could just say, it's possible that I'm not wrong here. It's possible that I might not have done anything wrong. It's possible that I could know what I'm doing. It's possible that I do have relevant experience for this.

Play with that a little bit and see what feels good. It has to feel good in your body and make sense and be a little believable.

Then you want to have compassion for yourself. Always have compassion for yourself. Don't judge yourself when you're having these thoughts, when you're going through this process, just be kind to yourself and tell yourself that this makes sense. Nothing has gone wrong here. It makes sense that I'm thinking like this and It's possible that I can change my thinking. It's possible that I can create some new beliefs. It's possible that there's nothing wrong with me and be patient with yourself.

That's always an important part of the process.

This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. And this crappy thinking is always going to come up. But when you work like this, and when you do the work on your thinking and your beliefs, not have such an impact on you, you will be able to process and move through it quicker. Will it happen less and less? Possibly. But as long as you have a human brain, chances are the crappy thinking is always going to come up.

In fact, I don't even want to say chances are, let me just say it's going to come up how frequently, maybe it will come up more or less infrequent, maybe it will come up less frequently.

But the fact is that what you want here to do is not aimed for perfect, but you want to build the skills and the tools so that you are responding in a way that is more helpful. therefore you feel better, you think better, and then you do better.

Your relationship with yourself is a lifelong project.

You're never going to be one and done. It's a marathon, not a sprint, and it's not going to be perfect.

Some days are going to be better than others. I did an Instagram post this morning on Waking up with anxiety and waking up with those thoughts, beating myself up saying I should have, I should have done this. I'm not doing enough of this. I've made this mistake. It's too late for me here. It's all this.

And you know what? It happens, but I am now better equipped to deal with it. I don't make it mean anything about myself. It's just happening. I know how to manage myself through it so that I can overcome it and then focus my time and my energy on creating what it is I want to create.

Now I know how to move through it and get to the other side.

Again, there's no race, but it does make me feel better in the long run and I do show up differently.

Finally, I want to urge you to continue to get help. Listening to podcasts are a great option. Listening to these messages on a regular basis can help to remind you and reinforce some of these ideas. Get coached, certainly building that relationship with yourself is important. Building that self trust and that self love.

You're never going to be done in this process. it's not about being perfect, but it does equip you with tools and skills in order to constantly improve that relationship and help you to approach challenges and goals and relationships differently than you previously did. you do land up feeling better, thinking better and showing up differently.

Think about what it is you think about. what are your thoughts about yourself?

Spend some time going through journaling on those, uncovering those and understanding where they might have come from. Be patient with yourself and know that this crappy thinking is going to come up from time to time, but ask yourself, is it helpful? Do I want to keep it? And then what else could I think? What else could be true? Look for evidence. that something else could be true. Pick a thought that helps you to feel a tiny bit better, and that moves you towards what it is you want to think and feel.

Remember, start the sentence with, it's possible that it's possible that I'm not wrong. It's possible that I'm doing better than I think I am.

It's possible that I have relevant experience for this, whatever it is, however it is relevant for you, tailor it to your situation, but know that there is nothing wrong with you.

There never was, you're not doing it wrong and you're not to blame.

We have picked up messages growing up, from society, from media, from culture. this is partly how our brain operates. it makes sense that this is what you're experiencing, but it doesn't have to slow you down. It doesn't have to hold you back.

It doesn't have to keep you stuck. You can learn how to experience this, manage it and move yourself forward.

That's what I have for you today.

If you're interested in learning more, I will put the link to my calendar and the show notes. You can book a one hour consultation with me and learn more about my programs. In particular, the six week jumpstart to building a better relationship with yourself.

This is where we do the work and I introduce you to the tools and skills you need to start to build a better relationship with yourself, the self love, the self trust, the confidence, how to manage your thinking and your emotions so that you can get unstuck.

You move yourself forward and you start to create whatever it is you want in your life and become the person that you want to become.

If you feel like you're meant for more, it's because you are. Click the link in my show notes. I'll see you there.

Thanks everybody. Bye bye.

Thank you for listening to This Daring Adventure podcast with your host Trista Guertin.

We hope you enjoyed the tips and conversations on how to get excited about life again.

As always, you can head to tristaguertin.com for additional resources and to book a one on one coaching session. You can also follow Trista on Instagram at tristavguertin.

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Thanks again for tuning in and we'll see you next time.