Using Coaching Against Yourself

Welcome to this daring adventure podcast where we work on bridging the gap between where we are. And where we want to be in order to live a bigger and falter life. In this podcast, we will provide inspiration tips and skills you need to make your life the adventure you want it to be. Here's your host, mindset mentor and life coach, Trista Guertin.

Hey, everybody. Welcome back.

Today, I wanted to talk about not using coaching against yourself. This is one of the things I've seen come up with my clients, and it's certainly something that I've done to myself in the past. It's easy when we're learning new tools and new skills and gaining awareness around the power that we have to manage our thinking and our minds and our emotions and the way we show up in the world. To start to feel badly about things in the past and the way things have gone and maybe the way that we've shown up. And we will tell ourselves that you know, we are at fault for things that happened in the past that we could have done things so much better. If we knew then what we know now, and that we could have completely changed the outcome of events and in some instances are live. And I wanted to tell you and I really want to discourage you from entertaining this line of thinking. It's not what coaching is for.

When we learn something, when we grow, when we take ourselves to the next level and gain new awareness and tools and skills, it's not in order to make ourselves feel badly about what's going on in the past, particularly the way we've shown up, the way we've behaved, and the things we've said and done. That's not the point at all. We have to recognize that what's done is done and that we cannot change it. The only thing we can change is the way we're looking at it and the way we're thinking about it and the way we feel about it. But the point is never to beat ourselves up or to make ourselves feel badly about what's happened in the past. And tell ourselves that you know, things could have been so much better, so different. We really have no idea. You cannot tell yourself that things would have been better, that things would have worked out so much easier or better for us or for anyone because we just simply can't ever know. Again, what's done is done, and we cannot argue with reality. We have no idea whether things could have turned out better or worse. There's also no upside whatsoever in indulging in this line of thinking. It serves no purpose except to make ourselves feel worse. And that is never the point of learning and growing and it's certainly not the point of coaching.

When we learn new tools and new skills, when we start to evolve to the next level, we want to be looking at the power that we have today and what's possible for our lives in the future. So this is where we want our focus to be. When we look at the past, we want to take the lessons understand what we could have learned from those situations. And we can acknowledge our responsibility in a situation for the way we showed up for our part in any situation. But that's not to blame. It's not to put blame on ourselves or to blame anyone else. But it's to recognize the power that we have or we had at that time and the choices that we made. And to forgive, to make apologies if necessary, to forgive others, to forgive ourselves. To tell ourselves a story that does service, that strengthens us, empowers us. And then we let the rest go. We don't dwell on the past. We don't continue to beat ourselves up. What we learn in coaching enables and helps us to do that effectively. And that's the most important part of the work that we do on our past in coaching.

One of the pillars of my methodology when I coach a client is to look at the past and to see where some of those sticking points are. Where are we still emotional? Where are we still getting hung up? Where do we gather or create? Hold on to some of our limiting beliefs from the past. And what can we learn from those situations? How did we show up? How can we accept responsibility? What can we learn? And then what can we let go of?

I think that it's very easy to criticize ourselves, and it's easy to get caught up in the what ifs and the should haves. But ultimately that just creates unnecessary stress and anxiety. And we have to recognize that we cannot change the past. And we shouldn't use our new phone knowledge to make ourselves feel bad ever. That's not the point. Our power is not dwelling on what could have gone done, what could have been done differently. How things could have turned out differently. It's in embracing what's happened. Embracing the lessons that we've learned. Applying them in order to improve and learn for today and for tomorrow.

Coaching is all about self-awareness. And so that will include taking a look at our past behaviours and choices. As I mentioned, one of the pillars of the work that I do with my clients is looking at the past. But it's not about regret and self-blame. There is no place for shame when we are trying to grow and when we are trying to get to the next level. We want to learn from our mistakes and know that we have the power to make better choices in the future. And we can make positive change in our lives that align with our new values and goals. And it's important to give ourselves grace.

I will always say to you that you were doing the best you could at the time with the resources and the knowledge that you had. It's easy to say that if you had had this knowledge ten years ago, five years ago, twenty years ago, whatever it is, things you would have been different. Of course, maybe you didn't have the benefit of coaching back then. Maybe you were dealing with a particularly difficult circumstance. Whatever the case is, you have to let go of that urge to beat yourself up and focus on the positive steps you can take today. Start by acknowledging that you were doing the best you could at the time. Oftentimes, there are factors that are beyond your control that influenced your decisions. You didn't have all of the same knowledge and the same resources that you have today. You're not the same person. So recognize that you did what you could with what you had, and that deserves recognition and praise. Again, it's not to be an opportunity to beat yourself up and make yourself feel bad.

It's also important to cultivate a growth mindset. Instead of using the past against ourselves, we cultivate a mindset to look at those situations and who we were and what happened as an opportunity for growth. Dr. Carol Dweck looks at going from a fixed mindset where we think we can't learn and we can't change to a growth mindset. Where we know we can change. We know we can grow. We know we can learn. And we embrace the power of yet. We haven't not yet done this, but it's still impossible. And we have the potential always to keep growing and learning throughout our lives. We embrace the idea that we can always learn and improve, and it's letting go of perfectionism and letting go of self-doubt, embracing the discomfort, embracing the change. Remind yourself that you will always have the power to rewrite your story.

You can rewrite the story of your past. You can rewrite the story of today, you can rewrite the story of your future. Anything is possible. And just because something happened in the past. Maybe it didn't work out the way you had hoped. Maybe things didn't go as well. As you thought they would. But you can still pivot and you can still create a new path and you can still create the life that you truly want. Know that you can change your relationship with the past. It's also important to remember that while you can't change the past, you can change your relationship with it. And instead of seeing it as something negative, and failure and something that makes you sad, disappointed, you can let it be the foundation of where you are today knowing that your power lies in the present moment. And that you are able to choose how you want to move forward.

The past, as Martha Beck says, is a story that we tell ourselves. And so taking the time to rewrite that story and create a new narrative when that serves us, when that empowers us. Right? Taking the time to reflect on the lessons we've learned, thinking about how we can apply them. Making the story one that makes us the heroin and one that helped us to develop all of the strengths and skills that we have today that are going to serve us into building the future that we truly want. Is where your power is.

You can tell yourself that same negative, sad story where you're the victim, which will make you feel terrible every time you keep telling it, or you can change it up. When that makes you feel better, when that serves you, when that gives you strength and determination and power, to move forward towards what you want to create. We get very attached to those stories from the past that make us a victim and keep us stuck. They keep us playing small. They hold us back. The courage you need to tell yourself a new story to let it go is substantial. It's no small thing. But it's some of the most important work that we do in coaching because it serves us the most. That sad dichotomy story that you keep telling yourself is not serving you. It's only keeping you stuck. And it's optional.

Finally, you want to choose self-compassion, practice having compassion for yourself. Most of the time, we're very hard on ourselves compared to how we are on our friends or loved ones. It's important to show the kindness and understanding to yourself that you would show anyone else, that you would show your best friend, you’re human. You're going to make mistakes. No matter how much you learn and how much you grow, you're always going to make mistakes. Hopefully, not the same mistakes. But you're going to be human. And so having compassion for that humanness and allowing yourself to make mistakes and learning from them how it's going to serve you.

Coaching can be an incredibly valuable tool for personal growth and development. And this is the work that we do. We learn a lot. We grow a lot. We start to see things in ways that we never experienced them. Never seen them before.

And it's easy to look back and say, oh, if we only had known this back then, if only I'd had coaching twenty years ago, my life would be completely different. If only I had this and known this, I wouldn't have blown up my relationship, I wouldn't have been fired for my job, whatever it is. But the point is not to learn and to grow and to evolve in order to make ourselves feel badly about our past, or who we were, or what's happened. There's no place for regret and for shame. And those are just indulgent emotions. So look back at the past, forgive yourself, take the lessons Start to tell yourself a more empowering story and let the rest go. Know that you were doing the very best that you could at the time. And give yourself grace and self-compassion. This is when you then start to embrace the now and your power and build a future that aligns with your values and your goals and creates a life that is truly amazing for yourself.

Coaching is designed to help you evolve into the next version of yourself. It's to help you propel you forward on a journey of self-discovery and fulfilment. Don't ever use it against yourself. There is no upside. Your power is focusing on where you are now and what you're going to do in the future.

If you want some help for this, the link to my calendar is in the show notes. You can schedule a private one hour coaching session with me now. And let's talk. Let's talk about where you want to change your story of the past and let go of the victim mode and start to create the amazing future that you want for yourself because I know that anything is possible. And coaching is where we do the work. Coaching is where we start to change and evolve and take ourselves to the next level. It's the most exciting work and I'm so excited to share that with you.

Have a great week, everybody. Thanks for tuning in. I'll talk to you next time. Bye bye. Thank you for listening to this daring adventure podcast with your host, Trista Guertin. We hope you enjoyed the tips and conversations on how to get excited about life again. As always, you can head to tristaguertin.com for additional resources and to book a on one coaching session. You can also follow Trista on Instagram at tristavguertin. Don't forget to subscribe great and review us on Apple Podcasts. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time.