Other People's Opinions

Welcome to This Daring Adventure podcast, where we work on bridging the gap between where we are and where we want to be in order to live a bigger and bolder life.

In this podcast, we will provide inspiration, tips, and skills you need to make your life the adventure you want it to be. Here's your host, mindset mentor and life coach Trista Guertin.

Hey everybody, welcome back.

This is episode 67 of This Daring Adventure and it is on other people's opinions. I wanted to do this episode as a follow up to episode 66 on wasted time. And as you will hear, the way you can manage both the concept of wasted time and in managing your response to other people's opinions is the same. It's how you think about it. And I wanted to illustrate today how much power and control you have over this and that you do not have to be at the effect of it.

I think we all probably have a story or two about something that somebody said to us, their opinion of us. That probably took us by surprise and has stayed with us, sometimes putting us into a spiral and negative thought loops. And this is quite normal. I know I have a few stories. I have one thing that I think my dad said to me. I was probably eight years old. I have one thing that my, one of my professors said to me, when I was doing my undergrad and I have something that my ex partner said to me at one point, and they do stay with you. They took me a little bit by surprise. And I think you take it on and it makes you think it makes you question, is that really true? Is that who I am? And it's hard to break free from those.

And this makes sense. It goes back to the part of our primitive brain that wants to keep us safe, that wants to protect us. These things that are said to us, sometimes they could be from a stranger or an acquaintance, somebody that we, don't know very well. It could be on social media, but typically the ones that stick the hardest could be from people that we love people, that we respect, authority figures, people we trust, people that we want their approval and so it really does make us question whether there is some truth to it and whether, sometimes whether we're thinking something's wrong with us or we've done something wrong or we're somehow flawed. And as I said, this triggers the primitive part of our brain because it wants to keep us safe and it wants to keep us protected.

Back in the day when we were living in caves and we had to survive, we had to rely on one another to survive. So we were tribal and If we were excluded from the tribe, if we are somehow sent away, it meant death. It was very difficult for us to survive on our own. How do you find food and water and shelter and warmth and all these things that you wouldn't be able to do on your own. And that primitive part of our brain operates in the exact same way. It's still trying to protect us. It still wants that approval. It still wants to make sure that we're going to remain part of the tribe. we take these comments, we take these opinions on and it's very difficult to let them go, right? We take them to heart. We believe them. We make them mean something about us. We can take, accept them as truth and we struggle with it and this is very normal. Again, this is part of the way that we are built.

The problem is that it holds us back. It will keep us playing small and it's not necessary. there is work that we can do to help move ourselves forward. There are tools that you can learn that help you to get out of feeling stuck and having these thought loops and making it mean anything about you. Now, as with all work and coaching, there could be some instant shifts.

There could be some changes that happen quite quickly, but other times, and most of the time, in fact, it's not one and done. It's not instantaneous. it's daily work. And I always say it's a marathon. It's not a sprint. This is a lifelong process. And when you undertake some of the work that we do, nevermind all of the work that we do in coaching. It's a daily practice. It's something you have to show up to every day. You learn a little bit, you get a little bit better and you just keep going.

So it's very much true in this instance, but you practice, you do the daily work and bit by bit, you see a shift and you figure it out and you change and you keep evolving and you keep going to that next level. It's some of the work that I've done.

And I no longer spend a lot of time on other people's opinions because I don't need to take them on. I know that it's not about me and I'm much freer, much lighter. I'm going to talk to you today about how to be a better speaker without taking on other people's opinions. it doesn't get to me like it used to. I don't make it mean as much if anything anymore. And it's true. I still have a human brain. So there are moments where, my brain starts to go off and I'll start to go down that rabbit hole, but I know how to refocus it and bring it back and not let it drag me into the mud. And that's exactly what you can learn to do as well. 

I once heard an analogy from another coach who spoke about the idea that if you have a dog, you might be familiar with this. If you're walking your dog and there is a fork in the road and the path to the right, is muddy. And if you walk down that path, the dog is going to get all muddy, roll around. If you have a dog that's into puddles, right?

The dog will be covered. We'll need a bath. And you don't have time for that today. So you take the leash, you lead the dog down the path to the left that you know is drier and that you won't have to deal with the bath and the cleanup and all the rigmarole that goes with it. And this is very similar to what you need to do with your brain.

Your brain will start to go down that muddy path. It will start to do the thought loops. It will start to ruminate. It will start to tell you that this is a problem. That there is something wrong with you. That, somehow that you've done something wrong. That you're somehow flawed. Whatever you're making it mean. There's probably a whole host of things that your brain will make it mean. And you want to be able to learn how to refocus your brain.

And go to what you want to think about instead of letting it drag you through the mud, because if you don't manage your mind, it will manage you.

I had a client who had taken a massage therapy certification, and she became a massage therapist. But after a year. or so I think it was, she decided that she didn't want to use it and she started a yoga instructor certification instead. And her partner made a comment and said basically that she, didn't stick with things. And why was she doing this yoga instructor certification? Because she never follows through, she never finishes it, she never uses these things. And she did go ahead and complete the yoga instructor certification, but she had been thinking about that comment ever since. And it came up regularly in her mind. And then it was playing on her. And she was thinking about undertaking a new endeavor. She wanted to take a new course, but her partner's voice was in her head and you can imagine it's holding her back. It's keeping her playing small and it's keeping her stuck because she hears that his voice in her head. she was afraid that he was right and that she wasn't able to stick with things. She wasn't able to follow through and that she was flighty and not serious. And what we worked on together was, first of all, getting clear on exactly what she was making it mean that he had said this about her. And of course, it was that she was not serious and that she would never be a success. That's what she was taking it to mean. And so that's good to know. That's good to understand. And what exactly your brain is making it mean. And then we asked if part of it could be true, is there any part of it that could be true? And can you own it? Can you see that he might've been right, or could you see how he might think that?

And in our discussion, she said, yes, she could see that he could think that and it was true. She had done the massage therapist course and she had done the yoga instructor course and she was doing different things now, so she hadn't become a massage therapist, but he had obviously thought and expected that she would and she wasn't a yoga instructor anymore, but he obviously, because she took the course expected that she would and through her experiences, she figured out that they weren't exactly what she wanted to do, but she had a plan is how she could put together a wellness business and utilize it. And as we talked through it, it made sense to her. she did have an idea. She did understand that none of it had been a waste of time. That it was all a part and parcel of her experiences and her skills That she thought she could put together for a particular business And then, so talking through, she could understand how he could have that perspective and she had never explained to him what she was thinking and what she had planned. And it made sense that he had said that. But she understood that was the way he was thinking about it. That was his lens. That was his interpretation. And that was okay. she could take an opportunity and explain it to him and perhaps he would understand and perhaps he wouldn't, but she didn't have to make it mean anything about her. It was his interpretation and that's what he saw and that's what he was thinking. And it was okay because when she took the time to think through it she knew that it wasn't a waste of time, that it wasn't about her not sticking with it. And she was formulating a plan to create a business that she was excited about and that she loved and that perhaps other people wouldn't understand. And so then we talked about what she wanted to think. And this is an important part of the process because you always get to decide what you want to think. You don't have to take on anybody else's opinions because that's their thought. And they will have their interpretation. They are looking through their lens, but you get to choose what you want to think. And this is the same idea as I said on the wasted time in the last episode, you get to decide wasted time is not a thing. If it's not, it wasted time is not a thing. It's only wasted time if you think it is. So you have the power to decide. And in this same instance, you have the power to decide whether you want to take on that person's opinion, whether it's valid for you, whether it's useful for you or not. And if it's not, you don't have to take it on and you get to decide instead what you wanted to think. And for my client, she chose to think that she was figuring it out, that she was formulating a plan, that she was moving forward in a way that made sense to her. And that was okay. None of it had been a waste of time. She had learned things and grown along the way. And it was. It's all going to be helpful in one way or another in her next venture. And in this situation, you have an opportunity to have your own back, to not judge yourself, to not beat yourself up and to build your relationship with yourself. In order to keep yourself growing and going to the next level and building whatever it is you want. that you have that power. You don't have to give your power away to your partner or whomever it is that says these things. You always have a choice and if what they're saying is not useful, it's not helpful for you, then you have the choice not to take it on. And just like the dog on the leash, you refocus your brain on what you want to focus on.

So you make a list of how you are the opposite perhaps of what this person has said. In this instance, the client believed that her husband was implying that she was flighty, that she wasn't serious, that she wasn't committed. And I challenged her to find three ways that she was serious and she was committed and that she was using and building those skills that perhaps he hadn't seen, that she hadn't seen before, because it's there.

What you look for, you will find. But if you're just focusing on being flighty, not being serious, not being committed, then wasting time, then that's what you will find. So leading your brain and focusing it on what you want to focus on is key. Remember your primitive part of your brain is going to want to protect you. It's going to want to keep you safe. And it's very easy to just let those thought loops spin. And go round and round and to focus on the negative and to look for the problems. That's your, that's the default setting. That's easy for your brain to do.

But, as I said, if you don't manage your mind, then it will manage you. So you will have to take the lead. And refocus your brain and know that other people's opinions are about them. It's what they're thinking. It's their interpretation. It's the lens through what they're looking for. It's the lens that they're looking through. And interpreting what they're seeing, which may be entirely and completely valid for them, but not for you. And that's okay. And can you allow them to be wrong about you? I think that's an entirely different podcast episode, but allow them to be wrong about you. And I know that's easy to say, but it's difficult when it's somebody you love and it's your partner and someone you trust. And as I said, you want them to have a high opinion of you, but you're never, ever going to see same things, but both of you will not necessarily see things the same way. And it's worth having that conversation for sure. Explain it, but understand that you can't change that person. You cannot make them see that they're not, make them see something that they're not willing to see. And that's okay. You know that it's not about you, it's about them. So don't allow other people's opinions to slow you down, hold you back, or keep you playing small. Focus your mind on what you are creating and where you are going. That's where your power is.

All right, everybody. Thank you so much for joining me today. It's been a pleasure. I hope you found this episode useful.

If you're interested in getting coached, I'm offering free 45 minute sessions. The link to my calendar will be in the show notes. This is a great opportunity for you to get coached on any issue that you wish. It's your time. Invest the 45 minutes. Come. It's an enjoyable process. I promise it really does help to solve problems and get some clarity and move you forward.

If you are also interested, I will tell you what it's like to work with me. I have a three month get unstuck program. It's 12 sessions. It's a bespoke program depending on what you want to accomplish. But it is the space where you get the accountability and the support and we start the transformation that you are looking for.

Coaching is the fastest way to solve problems and get you unstuck. And the tools and skills that I teach you. Don't just get you unstuck now, but for good, for the rest of your life, you will know how to move yourself forward. Whatever may happen, whatever may come, whatever you want to create in your life. All right. Thank you. Talk to you next week. Bye bye.

Thank you for listening to This Daring Adventure podcast with your host Trista Guertin. We hope you enjoyed the tips and conversations on how to get excited about life again.

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